2003-08-06 - 7:51 a.m.

Last night I had one of the most vivid dreams I've ever had in my life

it was long and complicated, but the part that really matters took place in my kitchen. There was a gun on the counter. I wanted so badly to do something with that gun, but I didn't. I could feel the presence of my whole family, but I think that only my mom was there. She saw the gun, and she knew that I needed it, and she told me that, although they really didn't want to see me use it, they would understand if I did, it was ok. there was miles of subtext to these words that touched on the stresses that I struggled not to let anyone see, but that still affected them-my diseased ankle, as a major example. She rounded the corner to the living room with a smile, and I don't think she expected me to take it right away, but I did. I said a vow to the world, and picked it up. it was black, and the metal felt heavy in my hand, and only slightly cold. a pleasant cold. I held it in my left hand, and I put it to my head. having the barrell there above my ear was slightly scary, but oddly comforting. the barrell too, was cold. I wasn't scared. I had butterflies in my stomach, but I wasn't scared. I don't know if I've actually ever experienced the relief I felt when I actually pulled the trigger, and felt the bullet penetrate my skull. For a time so short it barely registered, I felt the immense pain of the bullet, but then it didn't hurt anymore. I could feel the wound and the bullet that was in my brain as a mild tingling and a slight pressure, if anything. "this must be the euphoria that comes with death," I thought to myself, as I felt my body give way to weakness, slowly, to that by the time I was laid out on the floor in front of the refridgerator, I was putting my head down in a pool of fresh read blood that had just dripped from the wound. I musn't have done it quite correctly, because I didn't die right away. maybe when I fired, the kick of the gun in my weak hand had tilted it upwards so the bullet didn't go straight into my brain. But I wasn't in pain now. it was just completely relaxing, and completely peaceful. My mom, drawn by the sound, came in and sat by me, rubbed my back, held me, told me that she loved me. I told her that it would all be ok, and that I loved her, and to tell all the animals that I loved them, and goodbye, and somehow I knew that kelly could feel that I loved her and was saying goodbye. Dad came in just then, I told him I loved him. At this point, everything was so peaceful and perfect, it didn't matter if I lived or died, I knew that the act of pulling that trigger, no matter what the outcome, was the relief, the important step I had had to take, it was the right thing to do. as things started to fade to black, I was able to see, in my head, like some sort of skematic or map, exactly where everyone that I loved was. I could see them glowing, perhaps it was their life, their souls that I was seeing, and their size dictated how close or far away from me they were. I felt drained and tired, a general, blissful fatigue, and I could feel my love radiating out of me and to everyone and everything that I loved, as I always hoped it would. I felt like I was giving myself up to them and becoming a part of them, a part of the world, and I was at the perfect level of happiness.

I can only hope that my dream is telling me some truth. I hope I really can die in such happiness.

With much love, I bid thee all farewell.

TheRoseThorn

from the depths of my soul - to the breath of the world